Trekkies and Hippies and Christmas, Oh My!

I've been busier than a one-armed paper hanger this past week. The Muse has been generous. Here are just a few new designs (NOTE: The mousepad designs are also available on T-shirts:

Revenge of Pluto
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Eggnog for Santa
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Still Truckin 2
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Test Tube Aliens
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How Weird..

How weird is THIS?? An entire month's worth of my blog evaporated overnight. No clue why. Maybe the Blog Gods eliminated April?

I was mildly disappointed with the results below... suppose that's part of the 50% weirdness. ~~GHC

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Cave Man Flipbook

Clara Chandler Takes On: Monsturd

Title: Monsturd
Tagline: Don’t get caught with your pants down!
Genre: Horror/Comedy/Spoof
Written & directed by: Rick Popko & Dan West
Production company: 4321 Productions
Distributed by: Elite Entertainment
Runtime: 81 minutes
Rated: R

First, let me say that I’m not a movie reviewer although I played one on the Internet, um, just now... I had to give it a shot after viewing Monsturd at the Revenge of The Midnight Movies on The Horror Channel.

This past Friday night I had the pleasure to chat with co-writer and co-director Rick Popko during a free viewing of his 2003 debut film “Monsturd.” I admit I was dubious whether I wanted to watch it. How could a movie about a mass of killer fecal matter be fun? I took a deep breath and gave it a chance.

I’m glad I did.

I even watched it twice…

Monsturd is a spoofy, “Twin Peaks”-y cult classic kind of film. It’s horror-comedy. If you despise scatological humor, you won’t enjoy Monsturd. It is politically incorrect and has no redeeming social value. It’s gross but not as gross as – well, actually it’s pretty gross, but the humor more than outweighs the disgust factor. Think of it as “Jack Frost” meets “South Park.” If you giggle at fart jokes (whether you admit it or not) and enjoy puns -- you’ll give it two thumbs up. I laughed so hard that by the end, tears dripped off my chin.

The Story
Serial killer Jack Schmidt (see, the puns roll in from the beginning and never stop) falls into a batch of evil Dr. Stern’s super-duper flesh-eating bacteria. Jack and the bacteria combine and mutate into Monsturd, a seven-foot-tall killer poop-man who stalks the townfolk. The action takes place in fictional Butte County, California, where the annual chili cook-off – “a really big blow-out” – is scheduled to take place in two days!

Details
Written and directed by Rick Popko and Dan West, “Monsturd” was shot on miniDV using a CanonGL-1 camcorder and has a very nice film-like quality. I was amazed to learn Rick and Dan made this movie on a $3,000 budget. Blockbuster liked it so well they purchased 4,000 copies! The score and visuals are excellent. The soundtrack is first-rate and the original song written for the movie (which plays at the end as the credits roll) is clever as hell. (Note: Theme songs for Monsturd and its sequel RetarDead are available in MP3 format to download and share with your friends. Link.

Trivia
Monsturd (itself) was created out of foam insulation. The original song "Number 2 -- The Ballad of the Monsturd" was written by Kip Phillips, Dan West, Rick Popko, and Lisa Rein; and performed by Kip Phillips and Lisa Rein. Rick Popko plays Deputy Rick and Dan West plays Deputy Dan. In a nod to a favorite, there’s a character named Johnny Waters.

Some of my favorite dialogue (at least the ones I am willing to quote):

• “Daddy, don’t go. The number two will get you!”


• “A giant #2 killed my daddy!”


• Police sketch artist asks eye witness to describe the monster: “Did it look something like… THIS?”


• Sketch artist: “Any other distinguishing marks?”


• How can a turd kill someone?


• ”We don’t even know if bullets will be able to stop this thing…”

I won’t spoil the ending because it is priceless; the writers are totally cracked. I will tell you the hapless Butte County sheriff’s deputies and intrepid FBI agent confront Monsturd with riot gear and weapons funnier than Ghostbusters ever dreamed of!


“This is the thriller that does for toilets what Psycho did for showers. Come along if you dare. Just don't get caught with your pants down!”

Tell your spouse you’re buying it for your thirteen-year-old nephew if you must, but buy this movie! It’s a steal at $9.98. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it becomes a collector’s item ten years from now.

Check out the production company’s web site at www.4321Films.com to view a trailer, read more about “Monsturd,” and check out 4321Films’ second flick RetarDead (tagline: “They’re not so special any more”). You haven’t seen the last of Rick Popko and Dan West.

Clara Chandler Takes On: Leprechaun Infestation

A year ago I discovered a rotten banana in the cat food container. The children threw up their hands.

“We don’t know how it got there, Mom.”

My husband scratched his head. “Sure beats me.”

The cats lack opposable thumbs so I knew they were innocent. At the time I figured the banana was due to gorillas in our midst, planning to take over the world. For a year I felt safe as long as I didn’t spot long hairy arms or spy large primates swinging from tree to tree.

Then something happened to shatter my false sense of security.

While gathering outdated magazines, newspapers, and other objects to be tossed, I came across a long brown paper bag, the kind used to cover an elongated bottle of spirits. Since we don’t imbibe, my curiosity was piqued. I peered inside and found a receipt dated five months previous. Stranger still, it came from the WSLCB store on NE 78th Way in Vancouver, Washington. The receipt further states “Terri thanks you.”

It’s slight less than 2,500 miles from my house to Seattle so this paper bag didn’t just waft in on the autumn breeze and land in my living room. Of course, no one in the family knows anything about the bag or the receipt. It’s doubtful any of them traveled 5,000 miles roundtrip to purchase a fifth of whiskey given all the liquor stores in close proximity to our house. I can’t see anyone in my family falling off the teetotaler wagon and making the leap to Irish whiskey right out of the chute.

Now I fear a leprechaun is behind this mysterious receipt.

It makes sense. We all know leprechauns hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows, and they have an affinity for Irish whiskey. Legend says if a person is lucky enough to see and then capture a wee, six-inch-tall leprechaun – a Herculean task in itself – the small creature is beholden to grant a wish, up to and including revealing where his gold is hidden. A little-known secret is that he may buy you off with a gold piece to release him. As soon as he’s free, your coin will turn to dust. How tricky leprechauns are!

To further complicate matters, the species is split into two distinct groups, the leprechaun and the cluricaun. Leprechauns are shoemakers and guardians of ancient treasure. Cluricauns are for lack of a kinder word, thieves. They will steal or borrow nearly anything under cover of darkness. One source I checked said they raid wine cellars and larders. I wonder if a cluricaun went to the liquor store in Vancouver and gave Terri a magic gold piece for the fifth of whiskey, knowing all the while the coin would turn to dust as soon as he left? Even worse, these leprechaun cousins sometimes harness domestic animals and ride them throughout the countryside at night. Makes me wonder if perhaps our poor hamster Henry’s untimely death resulted from one too many midnight joy rides beneath a cluricaun.

This could explain several family mysteries. We could blame Henry’s death on the cluricaun(s). The reason we can’t find our keys? A cluricaun took them. The disappearance of the children’s homework, pencils, odd socks, and even that one pair of tennis shoes are all understandable once we realize evil leprechaun cousins exist. Same with the pizza box discovered under the living room chair last year and the chicken bones I found behind the sofa.

I feel a bit guilty blaming everything on the cluricaun and I still have my doubts. But what better explanation than that a cluricaun traveled 2,500 miles lugging a fifth of Irish whiskey so he could wreak havoc in my home?

Sure explains all the blarney around here.

© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved

Clara Chandler Takes On: INTIMIDATION - Life Under Damocles' Sword

Note: This post contains disturbing images and text and is not intended to be viewed or read by minors.

“Intimidation is the act of making others do what one wants through fear. Intimidation is a maladaptive outgrowth of normal competitive urge for interrelational dominance generally seen in animals, but which is more completely modulated by social forces in humans.

Like all behavioral traits it exists in greater or lesser manifestation in each individual person over time, but may be a more significant compensatory behavior for some as opposed to others. Behavioral theorists often see intimidation in children as a consequence of being intimidated by others, including parents, playmates and siblings.

“Intimidation may be manifested in such manner as physical threat, glowering countenance, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, purposeful embarrassment and/or actual physical assault.

““Various means of intimidating include: Physical abuse, torture, severe corporal punishment, psychological abuse, humiliation. bullying, hate speech, manipulation, stalking, coercive persuasion, sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape, and sexual harassment.

“I imagine specific scenarios of intimidation filled your mind as you read this article. Important aspects of intimidation incorporate a certain authority, such as a physician. Intimidation may also be employed consciously or unconsciously, and a percentage of people who employ it consciously may do so as the result of rationalized notions of its appropriateness, utility or self-empowerment.” ~~ Source: Wikipedia

So why are there so many forms of intimidation? I believe modern society created numerous layers of authority in order to control burgeoning numbers of people. In the “olden days,” human beings had parents, tribal elders, and a supreme being. Other than those authority figures, there were of course threats in the form of aggressive people and animals, and weather conditions. A desire for protection from those threats coupled with the advent of agriculture and the need for collaborative societies created societal structure.

Today endless threats in the form of intimidation (medical, governmental, sexual, and generic bullying in numerous forms) exist.

Indulge me as I expand on a form of intimidation that is particularly frightening to me personally:

Vivisection And Other "Medical Research"

Vivisection was practiced in the Roman era on gladiators and slaves. The famous chemist, E.E. Slosson wrote on Dec. 12th, 1895, in the New York Independent, "A human life is nothing compared with a new fact in science....the aim of science is the advancement of human knowledge at any sacrifice of human life....We do not know of any higher use we can put a man to." Professor Starling of University College, London, openly declared in 1906 to Britain's Parliament at its investigation into vivisection practices, "The last experiment must be on man."

Beginning in 1942, mustard gas experiments were conducted on 4,000 United States service men in order to study the effects on the human nervous system. These tests concluded in 1945.

From 1937-45 Unit 731 of the Imperial Japanese Army performed human experimentation without the use of anesthetics because it was believed that it might affect the results. A short list includes:

• Vivisections (The act or practice of cutting into or otherwise injuring living animals, especially for the purpose of scientific research)


• Prisoners were amputated limb by limb to study blood loss.


• Arms were cut off and reattached to opposite sides.


• Limbs were frozen and sawed off.


• Parts of the brain, lungs, liver, et cetera were taken out.


• Vivisection of a pregnant woman (impregnated by one of the doctors) and the fetus.

In 1997, 180 Chinese victims or the family of victims of Unit 731 sued the Japanese government for a full disclosure, apology and compensation.

In August 2002, the Tokyo District Court acknowledged the existence of Unit 731 and its biological warfare activities, but ruled that all compensation issues were settled by the Joint Communique of the Government of Japan and the Government of the People's Republic of China of September 29, 1972. [Note: In return for data gleaned during these horrors, the U.S. government did not prosecute the Japanese doctors, many of whom became prominent members of both Japanese and American society. ~~CC]

“Our moral horror at the Nazi medical experiments was dissipated by our government's decision not to prosecute the Japanese for almost identical experiments on an almost identical number of victims, three thousand (many of whom were American prisoners), in exchange for the information from those experiments. As Raoul Hillburg wrote in The Destruction of the European Jews, ‘If the world was so shocked at what it discovered to be the extremes to which experimental medicine would go, it has yet to condemn the method or find the means to control it.’” ~~http://www.micahbooks.com/readingroom/humanexperimentation.html

Doctors can be intimidating...

Big Brother & Nuclear Testing On The Public

“After 15 years of investigating, I have concluded that the United States government’s atomic weapons industry knowingly and recklessly exposed millions of people to dangerous levels of radiation.

“Nothing in our past compared to the official deceit and lying that took place in order to protect the nuclear industry. In the name of national security, politicians and bureaucrats ran roughshod over democracy and morality. Ultimately, the Cold Warriors were willing to sacrifice their own people in their zeal to beat the Russians.” —Former Secretary of the Interior Stewart Udall from the foreword to Atomic Harvest: Hanford and the Lethal Toll of America’s Nuclear Arsenal By Michael D’Antonio

In 1949, as part of the Green Run experiment, over 5000 curies of radioactive iodine-131 and xenon-133 were released without warning into the atmosphere. By comparison, the notorious Three Mile Island accident of 1978 released a mere 15 curies into the environment.

The story of the uranium miners is as tragic as any. During the 1940s and 1950s, thousands of poor, uneducated men, most of whom were American Indians, labored in mines in the Four Corners region to produce uranium needed to manufacture plutonium for bombs and atomic tests.

Forced to work without even the most basic ventilation system, the miners breathed uranium-laced air, drank uranium-contaminated water and carried the deadly dust home to their families. Thousands have since died of lung cancer and other radiation-related diseases. Thus far, Congress has approved no compensation for them.

The deadly rain of fallout stopped in 1963 but only momentarily. Even after the United States and the Soviet Union’s limited test-ban treaty, many of the next 700 underground tests “vented,” the government’s euphemism for explosions that drifted radiation across the country.

Our government can be intimidating…

Okay, enough creepy quotes. Here are my own ideas: When I boiled down the main forms of intimidation, I came to a surprising conclusion. Intimidation seems to fall within three main areas: Physical (corporal punishment and other physical abuse, bullying, and medical); sexual; and psychological intimidation (the use of fear tactics to control behavior by a government, school, parent, or other figure of authority, including filmmakers and writers).

Phobias As Tools of Intimidation

Scary stories frequently utilize our phobias to intimidate us. "Arachnia" (fear of spiders) is a good example of a widespread phobia being used as a vehicle for a commercial film. "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" was a television series that featured a group of children (The Midnight Society) who gathered in the woods and exchanged ghost stories.

Women's Fantasies
Many women entertain what is mistakenly referred to as a rape fantasy. In my conversations with other women over the past 30+ years, rather than desiring an actual rape scenario most agree what they really dream of is an adept, masculine, desirable partner who knows when to take control in a responsible, non-painful manner and go on to bring the woman to a mind-numbing climax. That’s not a bit intimidating!

Maybe People Enjoy Intimidation?
Who reading this doesn't like to feel intimidated while reading a scary story or watching a scary movie? Isn't the biggest letdown finding that the movie or story doesn't intimidate us? It's a safe form of intimidation -- one we can lay down or close our eyes and it ends. Intimidation we can control and enjoy

Go Get Intimidated

Read Boyd E. Harris' County Road 2246. Be sure and drop Mr. Harris a note and tell 'im Clara sent you.
© 2006 Clara Chandler - All Rights Reserved

Philosopher's Closet

Crisp pungent lavender drifts forth when I open the closet door. I lovingly collected the blossoms last year, and competed with the bees for the flower’s purple treasures. Lavender is a clean, timeless scent. It speaks to me of freshness and reminds me of my childhood – the good parts, anyway. Sometimes I close my eyes and lean in, deeply inhaling its aroma. Its bouquet reminds me to slow down, that Time truly does not exist – that what I’m hurriedly preparing for will be there when I arrive.

If I’m patient, my nose catches whiffs of other bouquets…Red cologne, captured on the collars and necklines of my clothing, and the faintest trace of cigarette smoke. When the room is warmed by the afternoon sun, I recognize the heavy wool smell of my soft brown jacket. And there’s always the scent of the sea that clings to a couple of my cotton dresses.

Eternal, timeless, passionate, sometimes unwise, practical and comfortable, always renewing myself – re-establishing my place on the beach -- my closet smells like me.